TerrorVision

     I love how bad at stereotyping 80's horror films tended to be. The makers of these movies visions of what the youth of that period were into and they ways that they talked, walked and interacted are so off target that they almost come around full circle and make some semblance of sense. This flick was no exception. The trainwreck of a "waveo" chick they tried to create and her uber over the top surfer slang spewing metalhead boyfriend were a sight to behold, and would have kept me entertained even without the help of the ultra goofy plot that they resided in.

    Getting right to the point, this movie is a stinker. But not in any sort of a bad way, it's funny, immature, inappropriate and unprofessional. The characters, as I mentioned, are all walking stereotypes, however inaccurate they may be. But they're all fun, not fun enough to cry about after they meet their sloppily scripted ends, but fun enough to laugh with (and at) up until (and during) that point. The cheese factor is so thick in this movie that even had there been any actual 'acting' it would have been for naught....but the period lingo and campy one liners hold their own charm. The story is a pretty basic alien attack scenario that, were it not for it's ridiculously cliched 80's surroundings may have been slightly forgettable, but thanks to that asinine and all too brightly colored decade, this flick will stick with me for awhile.

    Visually, this movie is exactly what one would expect. Beautiful era make-up, more slime than ten nickelodeon gameshows and an alien mutant monster that resembles a tentacled turd with teeth. Great splatter effects are in all of the kill scenes, and while none of it is disturbing or realistic in any way, it's still highly amusing.

     This is a little peice of film history right here. It shows that sometimes films can be saved by just being made in the time that they did. If this pile of dung had rolled out in '94 versus '86 I'd venture to say I may not even know of it's exsistence. But lucky for me, and you (if you have the distinct pleasure of viewing this pile) it was made in them good ol' eighties. All hail cocaine and swingers.


tastelessness 6.5/10
gore 7.5/10
must-see-ness 7/10

Horrible

  I don't know what dusty basement somebody dragged this aptly named Italian stinker out of, but I'd love to go there and rummage to see what other kind of terrible/awesome crap is lurking in its depths.

  This movie really does feel like someone just found it lying around and decided to put it on DVD, the scenes go in and out of decent quality remastered footage to grainy, barely visible, drive-in quality production. The film is Italian, as I mentioned. But, as with a lot of 80's Italian films, it is set in the U.S. The difference is, unlike your other more 'run of the mill' Italian splatter flicks this one is set on a night when the NFL's Steelers and Rams are playing. I bring this up only because the movie did, in the most bizarrely distracting way. It had absolutely nothing to do with the story, but this film decided to spend a LOT of time showing screenshots of the game, and the commentary from the game is pretty hard to ignore too.....completely unnecessary but hilarious. The acting and dialogue in this one are just as laughable as pretty much every other aspect of this flick. Ludicrous line after ludicrous line are spouted to the point that I started missing things people were saying due to the fact I was still laughing at prior dialogue. These things coupled with a 'horrible'y written story that really had to stretch just to explain why there is even a killer on the loose.

   Things get slightly better on the gore/violence end of things. Considering the era, it stands to reason that it would, Italy had the gore market pretty solidly cornered in the early 80's and this film fits into that category like a glove. But even so, it's no masterpiece on this end either, falling a bit short on quantity. The quality would not have mattered considering the disabled feel this film already had going for it, but they could have made up for a lot by throwing a few more creative kills in this picture. What kills they did show were what you would expect from this kind of flick, loads of crimson paint like blood, rubberized prosthetic close up mutilations. All good if you're asking me, I just could have done with a lot more.

   When it's all said and done I have to say I personally enjoyed this film, but this puts me in what I know will be a very selected minority. I'm not even going to venture to suggest that anyone watch this, hopefully those of you out there know who of you will enjoy this film, and to the rest of you I would suggest skipping it.

tastelessness 4.5/10
gore 5.5/10
must-see-ness 3.5/10